Viewpoint: No consolation prize

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Deacon Mark Paine writes:

In his sermon, a priest asked the congregation to think of the most profound spiritual experience that they had had in the past few months, a time when in prayer they had felt the presence of God.

The implication was that all present must (or should) have experienced this.

This priest went on to talk about the importance of having a deep, personal relationship with the person of Jesus Christ; this was the essential point of prayer and Christianity itself.

Well, on those metrics, I am a failure as a Christian. In 56 years, I have never had a feeling that God is present. My prayer does not produce 'feelings', 'thoughts' or 'the voice of God'; instead, I feel nothing, I think nothing, I hear nothing. No deep, intimate relationship with Christ, more an all encompassing silent void.

The feelings, thoughts and voices are referred to as 'consolations', indications that God is present in prayer. Some Christians are celebrated for their experiences of these consolations and held up as examples for the rest of us to follow. If only we could be like X who expresses a deep joy in prayer or N who describes clearly hearing the voice of God. But, I am not. Therefore, God isn't interested in me. No consolations = sub-optimal Christian.

A lot of damage can inadvertently be caused through this mindset. In a Church which increasingly seems to be emphasising emotional response, charismatic styles of worship and the personal relationship with Jesus, people like me can feel a bit deficient. After all, if you aren't feeling 'it', there must be something wrong with you.

But, recently, I have discovered that there is nothing wrong with my prayer at all. Due to my encounters with the Carmelites, I have been reading a lot of their literature. From my reading, I have learned something extremely important- prayer doesn't have to be about feelings and consolations; in fact, it can be about precisely the opposite. St John of the Cross, the Spanish Carmelite poet and mystic and originator of the phrase 'the dark night of the soul', summed up his experience of prayer as 'nada' ('nothing'). St John was not saying this in a negative sense; in fact, he came to see 'nothing' as a positive thing. Like his friend and mentor, St Teresa of Avila, St John came to understand that sometimes and for some people, 'nothing' was a sign of a fruitful and successful prayer life. This seems to be a bit counterintuitive, but these two saints reasoned that experiencing 'nothing' was a very deep form of contemplative prayer. In fact, seeking consolations was a spiritual dead-end. If you are praying to receive consolations or view them as the sole indicator of success, then you are seeking God in order to get something from Him. On the other hand, if you are seeking 'nothing', then you are loving God for who He is, not what He can give you. 'Nothing' can be the highest form of prayer.

I am not suggesting that I am a Carmelite mystic or a contemplative of some kind - I am a poor, fumbling, bumbling autistic Christian scrabbling around trying to make sense of myself, God and the universe. But, Carmelite spirituality gives me a framework, a way of understanding, a vocabulary, to describe my prayer. 'Nothing' is what God wants me to feel, and God made me, so 'nothing' is not a failing, just a way of experiencing God.

I am never going to be a saint or a mystic or a contemplative or a Carmelite. What I can be is authentically me, the person who feels 'nothing' and knows that's OK. No consolation prizes, but who needs them, because I don't.

Marcus Diaconus is a husband, father and Permanent Deacon of the Archdiocese of Birmingham.

LINKS

A Catholic Understanding of Autism:
https://deaconmarkblog.wordpress.com/2026/06/15/carmel-and-the-autistic-experience-of-mass/

A Statement of Theological Method
https://deaconmarkblog.wordpress.com/2026/06/17/i-found-home-when-i-stopped-running-away-from-myself/

A Theological Vision of Radical Belonging
https://deaconmarkblog.wordpress.com/2026/05/30/difference-is-not-a-threat-it-is-the-essence-of-creation/