A virtual priest's reflection on an ordination anniversary

Locked down in my home, the rhythm of my days has gone back to the training I received as Benedictine, a monastic type existence of quiet, prayer, lectio divina, work and recreation. There is an Athonite streak in this, as my icons glitter in the light of the lamps at times of prayer, and loving the eastern tradition of the Jesus Prayer, it becomes a friend when my eyes are tired from reading and my memory needs a bit of freedom, its cadences and rhythm helps me greatly. Then there is a Carthusian flavour, the sense of that long walk for exercise, which they take each week, and my garden as a place for manual work, with a pinch of the Cistercian love of the Mother of God and simpler things! It is amazing how the spiritual traditions can come together to help us at a time like this, unique in our lives and, I sincerely pray, not to be often repeated.

Yet into my mind this day comes the sense of truly being a priest, on the 31st March 1979, I was ordained in St Michaels Abbey Farnborough, with a good number of family and friends celebrating with the monastic community and myself. So today, 41 years on, my celebration is distinctly different from any other anniversary. Today I am alone, except for those anchoretic companions of each day, my two lovely cats.

Instead of celebrating the Eucharist, I am on a Eucharistic fast, instead of being with people, I remain in solitude. I could, as priests have been given permission to do this, celebrate on my own, but though I remain bi-ritual, my own community does not have the tradition of worship 'performed' alone. The Byzantine Divine Liturgy is very much a full, complete participation by priest, deacon and people, each having their own distinct ministries. Why not celebrate a Latin Rite Mass you might ask? I can and am allowed to, but my heart this day wants to savour a different experience, that long Holy Saturday experience we are all going through, of abstinence from my normal ministerial work with others, so that I can go, albeit reluctantly at times, deeper into a spiritual place I have not often known recently, the depths and the darkness of having the props taken away.

This anniversary is very much that of the virtual priest, all I can do is write, pray, get on with ministering in a virtual world, but it has its power too.

It is this sense that a contemplative side of all our calling as praying people, lies in the knowledge and understanding that prayer reaches out (as the old advert puts it) 'to parts others cannot reach'. It enhances and perhaps clarifies our call to worship as a people, with the contrast as an individual person who ministers alone in prayer through the Spirit. I take comfort in the icon of the Transfiguration, where Jesus alone, because his physical companions have fallen asleep, becomes caught up in the Divine World, where he is transfigured into his glorious body, a world Peter alone sees but does not understand. This is very much the world of our prayer, in it and by it we are transformed and surrounded by the intercession of our companions, our saints, the ones we feel close to. It reaches out because it transcends space and time to the listening space of God, who then answers us in various and different ways, which this time is helping us discover anew.

We must not forget the transformative gift of the Holy Spirit, for at Baptism and Confirmation the Spirit sealed us, and marked us into being as children of the Living God, but for those of us who have answered the call of the Church to take up the ministry of the ordained, that ritual of our Ordination was also a mark of anointing and sealing, as those now gifted by the Spirit for the particular roles of teaching, preaching and celebrating the liturgy and sacraments but above all the Eucharist. This time of exile in our new aloneness, is making us change and look at our patterns of prayer and faith, for me at any rate it is a stripping down to the essence of who and what I am as human and as priest, but I do really sense that in this lonely place, the virtual ministry of a priest is powerful stuff! The ministry of the true sacrifice of a contrite heart is acceptable to God more than ever before, that too brings me very much into closer contact with the BVM, for whom, as so many priests have, I maintain a deep affection and special need as intercessor and sister on my journey.

So my reflection on this anniversary is one of gratitude for what has been, and in the 'now' a sense that more than ever, the Good Shepherd is with us all, daily, hourly, always with us. If anything this anniversary has brought me closer to all those I have cause to be grateful for, who have gone before me but whose presence I can catch a glimpse of, close by, yet out of sight! I think too of the saints associated with this day, the Orthodox Saint Maria of Paris, who died in 1945 in the execution chambers of Ravensbruck, and that nurturing metaphysical priest and poet of the Anglican tradition, John Donne. May they intercede for me in a special way!

In the week before my Mother died, when I was muttering about some family problem that was annoying me, and how alone I felt at that point, she said; 'Robin, your loved ones are always with you, they are there always!' I knew then to whom she was referring and as one of her last gifts it helped me understand her own death better, that those who have gone from us, now surround us with a deeper and everlasting love.

May God bless you all who take time to read this, and may the blessing of the Lord be upon us and all we love today, tomorrow, and unto the ages of ages!