Being a Grandparent

Like Doctor Ray Guarendi, my father had ten children, but he only met four of his many grandchildren before he died. He was still learning on the job, good man that he was. He would have enjoyed and approved of this book, though there would have been some interesting discussions between him and Doctor Gaurendi, had they met. I'll have to scrutinise my own experience of three (but soon to be four) grandchildren and my observations of other families to find out whether I recommend it; would it work on this side of the Ocean?

Where to start ? My late father always started his Agatha Christie novels at the last chapter, and since the last chapter of Being a Grandparent' is entitled Unplanned Grandparenthood, it's something both Dad and I can relate to. What do we find?

Complications, that's what. Unmarried parents may swiftly become estranged parents, and then how welcome will grandparents be? How can you help your grandchild? How do you cultivate a relationship with your son or daughter, and how do you create one with your grandchild's other parent?

We could have dipped in and started reading anywhere, for there are recurrent interlocking strands of advice in this book, all based on Dr Gaurendi's work with children, parents and grandparents, including:
- to be a good grandparent, be a good parent first;
- the child is innocent, whatever his parents may have done:
- you may disagree, but that doesn't mean they are wrong.
- circumstances can change;
- people can change,
- act well and the feeling will follow.

There are 42 chapters, on average three pages long; well written, respectful, not talking down to the reader, with enough humour to salt the serious matter which Guarendi sets out to cover. Just a few topics from many: Dealing with distance, the (family) live so far away; Am I spoiling too much? The 'unfavourite' who's just harder to like, which also looks at the impact of adoption on the child, parents and siblings.d sta

Most of the book would convey wisdom without direct reference to faith or religion, after all, wisdom is wisdom. But Guarendi does not shy from what can be a very sensitive area in family life. 'It's time to lay aside your parenting guilt ... God forgives you for it.'(p54) Reflecting on a Change of life conversion, as when a mature adult with children and grandchildren returns to the practice of faith, Guarendi tells us, 'God pardons what you did or did not do as a mother (p58). But adult children may not pardon the parents who 'forced' them to go to Church as teenagers. 'You may not', says Doctor Guarendi, 'be able to influence your son's church stance and how that impacts his children. You can refuse, however, to take the blame for it.' (p62)

My own Dad eventually accepted that my brother's Methodist wedding was as valid in the eyes of God as a Catholic one, though it took the presence of a Dominican friar to convince him.

Self recrimination is not a healthy emotion. Things do not all go wrong, and those that do can be faced and put to bed, along with those that went right. Accepting God's forgiveness is a choice each of us can make, a choice that will help in creating a good relationship with grandchildren and their parents. Reading this book could help with a healthy appraisal of times past, present and yet to come, and lead the reader to be a good, loving and supportive parent and grandparent. I recommend it. Being a Grandparent should travel well, though a few cultural nuances still escape me!

Being a Grandparent by Dr Ray Guarendi, Irondale, Alabama, is published by EWTN Publishing, 2026.