Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?

New book echoes Pope's fresh call for further in-depth, lengthy preparation for marriage, finds retired psychotherapist Fleur Brennan.

One of our enduring preoccupations as humans is what makes love work, hence the fascination of the recent BBC2 series Couples Therapy, with its compelling fly-on-the wall observation of couples bringing their relationship woes for healing by New York therapist Dr Orna Guralnik. For Catholics, the sanctity of marriage, and its longevity - 'until death us do part' - is tightly bound to the notion of love and commitment, reinforced by the widespread practice of marriage preparation courses before tying the knot for life in a sacramental bond.

But last year, Pope Francis flagged the "need for a 'new catechumenate' in preparation for marriage", noting that, "with too superficial a preparation, couples run the real risk of entering into a marriage that is null and void or has such a weak foundation that it'falls apart in a short time and cannot withstand even the first inevitable crisis." He recommends longer and deeper marriage preparation, as well as continuing post-nuptial support.

A new tool in marriage preparation (and continuation), has emerged in a recently published book by relationship therapist Anne Power, "Contented Couples: Magic, Logic or Luck?" She interviewed 18 couples in seasoned, successful and contented relationships, who weathered the storms of life Pope Francis referred to. The research covers heterosexual and same sex couples and includes those who met through romance and through arranged marriage. Their stories show how they overcame processes which can take hold of partners and draw them into roles they never intended to play and do not enjoy.

"In seeking a mate," writes Power, "we are hoping to find the security we either had or longed for as children." She explains how patterns of attachment to our parents forged from babyhood, throughout childhood form, the blueprint for our adult relationships. "People with secure enough attachment feel at home in themselves and treat themselves with respect and kindness," she writes. In noting how helpful it is for those with insecure attachment patterns to work on themselves, she echoes the Pope's view in promoting self-development before making a lifelong commitment, to give partners a secure base on which to build.

The Pope notes that the Church already devotes many years to the formation of candidates for the priesthood and religious life, and in comparison the Church provides only a few days or weeks of active formation for couples approaching matrimony, a vocation of equal importance in the Church. To fill this gap, his document, 'Catechumenal Itineraries for Married Life,' yet to be published in English, prescribes a catechumenate of marriage in local parishes, to support marriages even after the wedding, and especially during moments of crisis and discouragement - an aspect of life where Power's book is particularly relevant. The 18 anonymised couples she studied, were not insulated from the life-event crises the Pope mentioned, having their fair share of depression, addiction, money worries, sexual tension and disappointment over childlessness or miscarriage. All of these were an opportunity for shaking their bond or strengthening it through mutual growth. Because this self-selected group were in long-term relationships, it is enlightening to read how their different styles of mutual support helped them weather these storms on life's voyage. For example, in one couple plagued by depression, the recognition by Jennifer of Stefan's bouts of depression got her down too, but they both discovered that what worked for them both was her "just being there for him."

As aspects of marriage preparation are delivered by celibates, nuns or priests, it is helpful that Power writes about some of the challenges and frustrations around sex, for example the importance of being able to say "no" without seeming rejecting, or as one partner, Anais says: "if I'm too tired, I just say, I'm too tired. I don't leave him to guess - 'maybe she doesn't like me anymore'."

Power's survey found, the shared working out of a relationship with God in their lives can give a couple added meaning to their sense of themselves as a couple and can deepen their bond. For one, the Christian understanding of suffering helped through difficult years. Her research took the long view, with couples having the perspective that their relationship was a long term project, requiring work together and as individuals committing to ongoing personal development.

Each chapter ends with a useful questionnaire to stimulate curiosity and insight, such as: "Who is the pursuer, who the withdrawer in your relationship?" "When you think about your childhood, how much light does that throw on how you feel about yourself and what you expect of others?" "What have you seen in yourself and others about the transition from obsessive, passionate love to companionate affection?" Chapter 7 is particularly useful for describing qualities which carried couples through the decades.

Pope Francis expressed a desire for local Churches to set up a "true catechumenate for future spouses which includes all the steps of the sacramental path: time of preparation for marriage, its celebration, and the years immediately thereafter. The goal is to walk an important stretch of road together with couples in the journey of life, even after the wedding, especially during moments of crisis or discouragement." This book by Anne Power is a timely and enlightening exploration of how successful relationships enable couples to do this. It is a reflection on couples who are thoughtful and sensitive, and happy to share the intimacies which have made their relationships work.

LINKS

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck? by Anne Power published by Confer Books: www.amazon.co.uk/Contented-Couples-Magic-Logic-Luck/dp/1913494462

Interview with Anne Power: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMmKDtYx714

The Dicastery for Laity, the Family and Life released last June "Catechumenal Itineraries for Married Life," a draft text published in Italian and Spanish," with an introduction by Pope Francis.
See: https://press.vatican.va/content/salastampa/it/bollettino/pubblico/2022/06/15/0459/00940.html

Pope: 'Church must walk closely with couples toward marriage' - Vatican News
www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2022-06/pope-francis-preface-catechumenal-itineraries-married-life.html