Book: The Gift of Grief: one son's story following the death of his father

The Gift of Grief: one son's story following the death of his father
by Andrew Stringfellow, Redemptorist Publications 2015, RRP: £6.95

One evening in 2014, I stepped out of the bus, looked to see if the road were clear for me to cross - and cried. Without realising, it was the first time that I had taken that particular bus at that particular time since I left school and, unthinkingly, I had looked for my father, with whom I often travelled. The difficulty was that my beloved Dad died in 1982. Thirty-two years later, a forgotten coincidence of time and place was enough to cause the tears to flow. When a loved one dies, they leave behind heart-space which is never entirely healed; a place which always was, and always will be, uniquely theirs; a place which only that one individual will ever completely fill.

The Gift of Grief: one son's story following the death of his father is, literally, one son's story about coming to terms with his father's death. The fact that the author is a Catholic priest did not mean that the grieving process was "signed, sealed and delivered" automatically and virtually instantaneously: three months passed before he "really cried". Years passed before Fr Andrew Stringfellow really began to deal with the "huge impact" on his life.

Fr Andrew tells his story in such a way that the reader re-lives their own experience of encounter and loss, recognises the aching emptiness and the subconscious acceptance that life has changed for ever. He shows us that the death of a loved one uniquely challenges us in a way that nothing else does. Throughout this book, the reader walks alongside its writer, perhaps wrapped in their own memories and thoughts, but also with a sense of shared experience and understanding.

Each death is one-of-a-kind and affects the bereaved in a one-off manner. Yet The Gift of Grief allows the reader to recognise that Fr Andrew's story resembled or differed from their own experience. In talking of his own grief, he also has his years as a priest, when he has helped others to come to terms with their loss. The beautifully illustrated book is, therefore, not a wallowing in personal sadness, but a pastoral opportunity when "my story" helps the reader to focus on "your story".

Death impacts the whole family. That is part of its pain. Fr Andrew describes the effect of his father's death on his mother. He stresses that "it's alright to cry", to feel lonely, to struggle to recover balance and normality when a great gaping hole appears in the middle of life's journey - and yet "normality" can never again be exactly the same as it was before. His mother lost her husband. Fr Andrew lost his father, who would never again be at family gatherings, who would never again "guard me from the vulnerability of life". However the voyage towards healing is not one made in isolation: relatives, friends, colleagues are only too willing to help. Professional support is also there if needed. God is the greatest defender in the hour of need, taking our anger, frustration, pain and questions and gradually bringing us towards an acceptance of our own vulnerability.

In his comments on The Gift of Grief: one son's story following the death of his father, Fr Paul Murray OP writes: "For anyone suffering loss, here is a work that will at once quicken and console, disturb and heal."

Perhaps there is nothing else which needs to be said.